Welcome to my personal hell!

Ok so this is sick.... In order to loose the 25 more lbs i need to loose.... according the MSN Health.. I would need to consume 1700 cals a day... to loose it "safely" (about a pound a week) If i ate 1700 cals in a day i would die... Im lucky if i eat that in a week. I dont understand how people can eat the much. I was sitting at dinner with my roomies and they were stuffing their faces with beef and cookies and this sick looking pasta thing and it took everything in me not to be sick. I know that is because i have been living a life of less than 300 cals a day for almost a year now.  Has anyone out there wonder what happens when you reach your UGW? I mean are you actuctly happy about it... Cause my goa of just getting back to my weight back in high school has been compleated and when i was just about there i found out that i wasnt happy that i needed to loose more. Am i ever going to be happy with where i am? 

Sorry ladies if my mood seems down. Its still raining from trpoical Storm Fey here.... (and it will be for the next few days). The good news of the day is.. Im working the dinner shift in the resterant.. and i wont have to eat cause no one will know if i did or didnt. Thank God. 

Enough about my day.... How is everyone doing!!

Gin

I know i havent posted in forever... life gets in the way somedays. Trying to hide my ed is getting harder and harder as the days go on. I have lost 4 more lbs. Not as much as i would have liked BUT im not gaining so for right now with all the pain im still in thats good. Which puts my weight loss officaly at 59 lbs. I still have about 20 lbs to go. I was having a rough day a few days ago.... i was trying to eat less than 100 cals that day... i was doing so good till my brother brough home KFC popcorn chicken... i was only going to eat like 2 peices so that no one would notice. BUT in walks my dad.. and yet again he has to make an ass out of himself. He walks in and says " Your eating that again."  Ok he had no right to say again.. because i had it one other time.. when i was on a 500 cal day. He made me feel so guility about eating the one peice that i did eat... that i got up "accadently" Knocking it over and in the floor where the dog ate it. and headed to the bathroom to throw up the one peice that i did eat.. then took a shower so i could cry. I cant eat around him....with out him saying soemthing like YOUR eating that...and all i would be eating is a small cup of fruit or apple sause... nothing unhealthy.. He has to make a fucking big deal out of what i eat.... God dosent he understand that .. the food he sees me eating IS ALL I ATE THAT DAY...... Then the next day he took my bag of Cherros (sp?) and threw them on the ground and stomped on them.. then left the house. He goes and throws away some of my food.. that i bought... He bitches about what i eat.. when i fing dont eat but 300 cals aday... but yet wont yell at my brother who eats about 4,000 cals a day. what the hell is wrong with this pic... He wont yell at my brother but if im sitting on the couch for more than 45 min he is complaning that all i do is sit around and being lazy... what the hell dose he want me to do.  I hate my dad for it, but then again he provides the best thinspo ever... i push my self to prove that im better than this.. that i am stronger than he thinks i am.. push myself to be perfect. Perfection is the goal.... i will be skinny.. i will be perfect.... I will....

 Out of the night that covers me, 
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be 
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance 
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance 
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears 
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years 
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid
It matters not how strait the gate, 
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate; 
I am the captain of my soul.

Invictus ~ William Ernest Henley



Invictus translated from Latin means unconquerable spirit or undefited spirit.
This is a poem that keeps me going. On days when I want to give up...
 when i want to throw in the white towel... I think about this. 
A wise old man once told me that if you keep this poem close to your heart
that if you dwell on the ideas that are inbeded into this poem
that whatever you put your mind to.. 
what ever you dieside is worthy of your time
Whatever you want to see happen
Will because you dont give up you push on 
dispite the fact that you head is bloody or the people you once called friends 
are now throwing rocks at you .. you can stand tall and say:
I AM BLOODY BUT MY HEAD IS UNBOWED.... 
Remain strong and dont give in even when its black from pole to pole
there is hope and you will make it threw because you are the master of your fait 
you are the captin of your soul. 



Ok so there was my modivational speech for the day... Something that is keeping me from going insain this last week. Knowing that i am able to push threw all the pain and all the dram with the kidney stones. That i am stronger than all this. I have done nothing but lay on my back or my sides; watching tv, or reading posts on LJ and sending e-mails... Oh and my fave taking my meds then trying to play bejewled on games.king.com... ahhah thats funny. my room mates love to laugh at me. I get so fustrated that i cant find the next move when its in plane site. Ok so that my not sound like fun BUT when you have been in bed all day for 6 days straight now you are looking for ways to intertain yourself.  The good news is that i have maintained my weight over the last 24 hours and i have eaten less today than i have in the past 2 days. Im also getting behind on what is going on in class but thats not my falt. i sent out an e-mail to my professers telling them what is up and no one has gotten back to me... i did what i had to do... its in their court right now. though i am keeping up on the things i know are comming up. anyways. i pray that your day is going better than mine is. Then again anything is better than being cooped up inside all day.   Oh my room mates have desided that tomorrow before to 5 oclock showers come that i need to sit outside and just lay in a chair or on a blanket. i can fall asleep they say but just getting out into the sun would do wonders for me. I think im going to lay out and get a tan tomorrow... take a book out there and relax and read.. maybe one of my several stones will pass because im relaxed... Sorry ranting again!!!!  I hope that you have a great day today (Tuesday April 9th) 

Gin~

• What is in your character’s refrigerator right now?  Chineese food, Chili, every fruit and veggies and Jack Daniels (others drinks too) all types of juices.
  On her bedroom floor?  Cloths that were discarted as she tryed to find the perfect outfit for the day, baby toys
  On her nightstand?  Spell books, cell phone, baby things, cigrettes and lighters
  In her garbage can? Dirty dypers, parchment paper, old quills, and scraps of food,Empty JD bottles and empy cig packs

• Look at your character’s feet. Describe what you see there. Does she wear dress shoes, gym shoes, or none at all? Is he in socks that are ratty and full of holes? Or is she wearing a pair of blue and gold slippers knitted by hergrandmother?  She wares black or silver flip flops or some sort of high heels...

• Your character is doing intense spring cleaning. What is easy for her to throw out? What is difficult for her to part with? Why?  She loves to clean house... she dosnt want to remember the past...

• It’s Saturday at noon. What is your character doing? Give details. If she’s eating breakfast, what exactly does he eat? If she’s stretching out in her backyard to sun, what kind of blanket or towel does she lie on?  She is going over paper work as she lays by the pool on a very soft green pool side lounge chair, with a covered crib for Brenton next to her. She is dressed in a brown and green 2 peice bathing suit that hardly covered her, so she can get the best tan.

• What is one strong memory that has stuck with your character from childhood? Why is it so powerful and lasting?    Her strongest memorie from childhood is the day she found out about her powers. She was feared by her mother and family. Her father was the only one that would understand but he wasnt around.. that same day she saw him die at the hands of a mad man.

• Your character is getting ready for a night out. Where is she going? What does she wear? Who will she be with?  She dosnt normaly go out because she has brenton to take care of. BUT if she dose go out she is going to the clubs dressed in a cute by sexy outfit and she is with her close friends. 

Questions about the auther.... (this is going to be fun)

• What do you consider your greatest achievement?   Going back to school to get my PHD in Psyc.

• What is your idea of perfect happiness?  Being size 0 and living in LA working as a model or a ballet dancer

• What is your current state of mind? Loopy.. (meds are kicking in) and Hopeful

• What is your favorite occupation? Model or dancer

• What is your most treasured possession? my computer, and all my dvd's (still a college student dont have a lot to my name)

• What or who is the greatest love of your life? Dancing and writing are my greatest loves in life. I wish i had a love in my life but im to fat to have anyone love me. No one can love a fat short wanna be psychologist.

• What is your most marked characteristic?  dont know...

• When and where were you the happiest?  When i was dancing ballet and i was so close to getting my audition with Amarican Ballet Company.

• What is it that you most dislike?  Fat people, tv ads for fast food and country music

• What is your greatest fear? Dying fat and unloved and spiders/ snakes

• What is your greatest extravagance?  My Car.... 95 Mustang

• Which living person do you most despise? My Best friend... she is a beached wale

• What is your greatest regret?  Not pushing through the pain after the surgery and dancing.... instid of being lazy and gaining weight. Not listening to those who said i needed to rest. I should have pushed and gotten right back on the horse...

• Which talent would you most like to have? Love to be able to act with natural talent, and Sing... Dance like an angel

• Where would you like to live?  London, Key West, Key Largo, LA, Anywhere its warm

• What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? Being so fat you feel like a beached wale or when people call you fat..

• What is the quality you most like in a man? Personality, Looks, Rocker, Creative, Funny, Willing to have a good time... Willing to laugh at life but yet be seirous when life needs to be.

• What is the quality you most like in a woman?  HUM.... im not looking for women

• Who is your favorite hero of fiction?  Spiderman...

• Whose are your heroes in real life?  The real spiderman, Josiah Attachison a 5 year old who thought he was spiderman till the day he died... in December of 04

• Which living person do you most admire?  Maria- josiahs mother,  and all my friends on LJ

• On what occasions do you lie?  When it comes to eating....

• Which words or phrases do you most overuse?  how meany cals dose that have in it... I have already eaten, Beautifal,

• If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?  My BMI.... Less body fat...

• What are your favorite names?  Ginivera, Nevaeh, London, Landon, Jackson

• How would you like to die?  In my sleep.... or in a non painfull way...

• If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?  I would come back as a beautifal skinny model or dancer

• What is your motto?  You only live once..... Stay Beautifal and Tink Thin.....

• What is your character’s name? Does the character have a nickname?  Ginivera Nevaeh Black   "Ginger"   To non magical people she is known as Mother Earth.

   How old is She?  She is 18 years old but dosnt look at day over 16, the day she Zuse crowned her Queen of the Elements she stopped ageing.

• What is your character’s hair color? Eye color?  Hair: Blood Red     Eye: Crystial Blue

• What kind of distinguishing facial features does your character have? Cute butten nose and 3 small star tattoos on her left temple

• Does your character have a birthmark? Where is it?  Yes, On her back it looks like wispy wings in the colors of fire
  What about scars? How did he get them?  no

• Who are your character’s friends and family? Who does she surround herself with? Who are the people your character is closest to? Who does she wish she were closest to?  Close Family: Died in a hurricane exept a baby brother who she was alble to save.       Friends: She has a few close they are all older.  She wishes she was normal and had normal friends.  She wants to be friends with her crush Garrett, an actor.

• Where was your character born? Where has she lived since then? Where does she call home?  Born: In LA, CA  She has lived in just about every city on rute 66 between LA and New York trying to hide from people. Lives: London England.  Home is LA

• Where does your character go when she’s angry? She storms off and hides away from the world in her 3 story house so she dosnt hurt anyone.

• What is her biggest fear? Who has she told this to?   Fear: Becoming Evil and forced to use her powers for evil.   Close friends know about her powers. 

• Does she have a secret?  She is an Elemental; the goddess of fire. The Queen of all elements. She is more powerful that anyone could dream but she refuses to tell anyone . And Aries the god of war has a crush on her.

• What makes your character laugh out loud? Stupid people... people who are disrespectful.

• When has your character been in love? Had a broken heart?  Yes she has been in love... and her heart was broken. Aries was jelous of her lover at the time and killed him thinking she would come running to him for comfort but it backfired she withdrew from the world till her true love surfaced.

Well today is like the last 36 hours of my life, filled with pain. My back is still hurting from the kidney stones. I know they haven't passed because im still in a ton of pain. Ok so here i am laying in my bed druged hating life because i have gained 3lbs of water weight. I have been drinking 5 times with i normaly do so the stones can pass. I was going to try and do sit ups to make my self feel better BUT when i sat up i got realy light headed. So im messing around on my compy playing games and posting.

I got a complament from one of my friends on LJ. They said that i was their thinspo. I dont know how i got that title but its an honor. I have been on other pro ana /mia pages and when the girls get skinny they become bitches. I just wanna be there for people. To listen to people talk about their bad days or rejoice with them when they have a great day and give advice when needed. I know what its like to be alone and i dont wish that on anyone. Even if these pages are the only place where girls can truely be them selves. I want to remind people that they are strong enough to make it through the night, and they are not alone. If i sound like a psychologist... i guess imight because thats what im going to school for. I just wanna be there for anyone who is going through a hard time.

Oh im going to post a few pictures of me in November of 07 and then a few from last week.. so you can see where i have come from.  Stay strong loves...you are more beautifal that you will ever know. 

Gin~